My father asked me a question … “Have you thought about what the big picture for your life is going to be?”. He wasn’t being pushy. He’s just gently trying to coax me along on this weird journey. He and I are very much alike. We want ourselves and things in our lives to be orderly, secure, sensible, logical, and dependable. He knows this “limbo” I am currently in is driving me crazy. Although he hasn’t experienced widowhood before, he definitely understands how difficult it is for me to be living in such an insecure situation.
I don’t have any idea what the big picture is now.
I used to be so driven to be independent and responsible and to do the right thing. I always felt like I was on a race track and galloping towards a finish line in the far, far distant future. A finish line to what? When I was in my 30’s, the finish line and the big picture was to be married, have a family, have a job, own a home, and be successfully independent. I achieved those things. And one day I asked myself, “Why are you always looking so far forward and focusing on getting to a finish line when you’re missing the joy of what is happening right now?” So I started making an effort to just enjoy each day.
I tried to focus on appreciating what I had in my life: house, husband, family, a job. And I started to relax and feel less “driven”. It was nice. And then my husband was diagnosed with cancer. And I was back to being “driven” again.
Now I am left with the house and the job. My husband is gone and his family that instantly came into my life when we were married has just as instantly exited from my life. I am somewhat independent unless God decides I need to endure something else and then I fear I will collapse. I am realizing that my entire life has been changed. I have been changed. My world is undergoing some transformation for which I did not ask.
The big picture?
Instant Widow 