I am new to this widowhood thing. I never planned to be here. Who does? It never occurred to me that this was an option. It’s another example of how my plan is so totally different from God’s plan. My daily devotion today reminded me that I’m not really supposed to have any plans. I’m supposed to be open and willing to follow God’s plan. I’m supposed to surrender in the face of adversity – not lay down like a weak or cowardly ninny – but surrender to the fact that I am not in control and I am not in charge of the rules of the game, and I am not making the final decisions.
Surrender.
I hate that word. It’s so hard to do.
Surrender carries negative connotations and implies weakness. Surrender equals failure, in my mind. Surrender means that I am probably not going to get what I want. Surrender means that I am going to have to accept something that I probably don’t want to accept. Surrender means that I’m going to have to bend in a different direction. Surrender means that my plans and ideas are absolutely not going to work out. Surrender means that I am going to have to swallow the fact that I lost whatever challenge I was attempting to achieve or overcome. Surrender means that I am weak and useless, in my mind. Surrender just damn sucks and is embarrassing, shameful, and means I am being a sissy, in my mind. And surrendering makes me furious.
I hate having to surrender. Damn it. Shit shit shit to hell and back!
When my husband was diagnosed with Stage 3 Esophageal Cancer, we didn’t really understand what we were facing. We went home and talked about what the DR had said. We held hands. We discussed the possibilities of what this diagnosis meant. He promptly buried his head in the sand whereas I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, and prepared for battle. Eight months later I came to my own conclusion that this was not something we were going to be able to “beat”. This was not a battle to “win”. This was going to be an epic attempt to “cope”. And right then I realized that I had a choice in what I was going to do. I could either continue to “fight” and go down with the ship; or I could surrender to whatever fate God had planned for both of us.
To be honest with you, surrender was the only choice at the time because I was so exhausted, worn out, drained, and tied in a knot trying to take care of EVERYTHING that I just didn’t even have a moment to contemplate what I was going to do. In my mind I yelled at God:
Yooo-Hooo. Dude! Well shit. What the hell. This just damn sucks. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Just how in the hell am I supposed to cope with this? I have no fucking idea what is going on and I sure as hell have no fucking idea why YOU are putting this into our lives. This is too big for me to fix or manage. This is too big for me. Well shit. Ok. YOU created this mess. YOU can manage this mess. I am laying this at YOUR feet. YOU just show me what you want me to do and I’ll do it. And if it means that he’s got to die, well then that just fucking sucks and I really don’t fucking want that to happen – but I will obey and do what YOU want. And right now, YOU suck too, by the way. Amen.
And in that rebellious moment, with anger and fear in my heart and shaking my fist at God, I surrendered. I had no other choice. The whole thing was just too big for me to figure out, manage, control, etc. And I didn’t have the luxury to go down with the ship fighting this turn of events because my husband needed me to help walk him to his death. So I couldn’t be pre-occupied with “winning” a losing battle – I had to set what I wanted aside and provide what my husband needed.
Surprise. I chose to surrender BEFORE I was at the end of my rope (I was close, but not at the actual end at that point). This was a new strategy I had never used before. Letting go BEFORE I completely ran out of options. Giving in, accepting, bending, letting go of what I wanted, and willing to suffer whatever shame, failure, or seeming uselessness that surrender might bring. When the Lord calls you to serve, He damn means for you to SERVE.
This turning point of surrender brought me smack to the threshold of self-less service … to everyone involved. I jumped in with both feet. Suddenly my mind opened to include a wider circumference that contained not only my husband but his kids and his family and his friends. My mind cleared of all the cancer confusion and became laser-fixed on providing SERVICE to all of us affected by this pending disaster. In surrendering I found service … a discovery of what God wanted and expected of me in this event … not to accomplish His Will … but to be of Service while HE performed His Will (whether I liked it or not).
Surrender brought me strength. I did things and said things that were not of my own self. I have no doubt but that God provided me with the resources I needed in every moment, whether they were mental, physical, emotional, financial, or spiritual. I gave everything over to God. I stopped worrying about whether I was going to get fired from my job, whether we were going to have enough money to sustain ourselves, whether we were going to have enough food for the week, whether the clothes were going to get washed or the kitchen floor mopped. I completely handed the reins of my life over to God. And I concentrated on serving to the best of my ability.
God is still holding the reins of my life. I have not been able to take them back. I haven’t been strong enough. I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough to live the way I did before all this happened. Now I have learned that there is relief in surrender. There is strength in surrender. There is peace in surrender. Life is not about winning or losing. Life is about living. And surrendering has brought me peace and relief. I have absolutely no regret, no doubt, no “what-ifs”, no would haves, no should haves, etc. in anything I did during that horrid event. I am at peace. I have a clear conscience. And I am proud of myself.
Now my conversation with God goes something like this:
Hey. It’s me. You know how exhausted and empty I am. Please give me the strength to have a decent day so that I can be of service to You. The welfare of my life is at Your feet. I trust You to take care of me. I could really use a break. Please don’t send me some kind of crazy ass project. I need peace and rest right now if at all possible. But I am listening for You. Show me what You want me to do. I will do it, whether I like it or not. Thank You for carrying me. Amen.
Instant Widow 