Two steps forward, one step back … so hard to make progress at this pace. I’m trying to find an acceptable middle-ground between the happiness and unhappiness of my marriage prior to husband’s death. Good memories, bad memories, nightmare memories … all pooled together. Reminds me of when a wave has already lapped upon the sand and is drawing backwards just as another wave is lapping over it and pushing forward … the two … meeting in the middle … both being pushed/pulled in opposite directions at the same time. How am I to balance the grief and relief his death brought me?
And I had this sudden awakening that my marriage really didn’t have much to do with me … it was about ME providing service to HIM … by raising his son to the best of my ability, providing a stable and safe environment where he was unable to do so, and by helping him find the Lord – helping him embrace faith in the Lord – helping him be Baptized before he died (and helping his son be batptized along with his father so they BOTH were saved in the eyes of the Lord).
If you look at my life from beginning to end over the past 12 yrs, I have traveled back to the same place where I started … living in my little house I love, alone (but not lonely), and being independent and free like I was before meeting him. I am right back where I started. The past 12 yrs wasn’t about ME. It was about HIM and HIS KIDS … and me providing service … financial, mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual service. It was a high price to pay for companionship that never really met the one thing I needed most from him … emotional support. He was a selfish and self-serving man who put himself above everyone, including his kids. Only God knows why I loved him so self-less-ly. But I did, no matter what.
I can’t begin to fathom God’s plan and why this has happened and what it may have to do with me. But what I do know is that I have an opportunity to start over .. to have a new beginning … to have a new future full of possibilities … (if only I could get enough damn sleep grumble grumble). Sometimes I feel so crazy.
Instant Widow 